Yup. Still pregnant beyond all expectations.

by anne1dove

Officially 8 weeks pregnant today. Saw the heartbeat about 10 days ago. Going for another ultrasound tomorrow (isn’t it nice how much you get coddled at fertility clinics?) and then presumably another one another week later.  It’s been a wild past couple weeks since my last post. Well not really on the outside, but emotionally and physically it’s been kind of intense.  I am sleeping 10-11 hours every night after a lifetime of sleep issues. Thank you progesterone. I am so off sex, thank you again progesterone. I am peeing like a small puppy.  Eating has become a part time job…thinking about what I want, purchasing what I want because inevitably I have a full fridge of food with nothing appealing, and then eating it in small increments, and then 1-2 hours later eating more, lest I get the queasy-jeebies.  I have not thrown up thankfully but if I don’t eat constantly I probably would veer over the edge into Barfland, USA.  My boobs are already outgrowing their normal bras…which for me is exciting because I’ve always been an A, and just recently B cup (thanks to IVF weight gain)…so I bought myself a “buff” colored grandma wireless bra…ahhhh, relief. My clothes are definitely getting to the point of way too tight, wearing a bella band is looking inevitable. It probably doesn’t help that I’m pretty much eating whatever I want (minus the obvious sushi, unheated deli meat, etc.) and definitely eating for two before I need to be. I just am truly hungry all the time. And food…oh my gosh, food, when it’s the right food, is orgasmic. What else…my blood pressure is low normally, and it’s gotten even lower with the blood vessel dilation and increase in blood volume…so it’s been 85/45. Eek. I’m half dead! It makes me feel really cold, dizzy, and breathless. Not fun. Doc’s advice to drink more water (pee more yay!) and more salt. No problem there.  I hope it evens out because I am not used to being so cold…I am normally always dripping sweat. 

I’ve been a sloth, ripping through the Lord of the Rings triology (and sobbing at points…hormones anyone?) and mostly staying in yoga pants and sweatshirts on the couch. This has been hard for me. I am pretty great at relaxing and just “being” and am not someone that overschedules myself whatsoever.  However, I do like the options of being able to get up and do a house project, or bike ride, or whatever, but that’s been out the window. That coupled with all the emotional stuff I’ve been feeling has made it more difficult.  My fears about miscarriage fluctuate. The risk has gone down seeing the heartbeat but really, there is no guarantee of anything to me. I probably won’t really believe it till the baby is in my arms ya know? I go between getting excited and then feeling scared to get attached.  Some of my fertile friends are shocked by my trepidation. Really? After everything I’ve been through? I’m really practicing being in the moment as much as possible. Today I am pregnant. Today that is very exciting and amazing that it even happened.  And that’s all I can do. 

It’s been fun telling a few select people. I broke down and told my mom and that was exciting as I’m pretty sure she was adjusting to never being a grandmother. I’ve told some of my best friends and a couple people at work (mostly because I’m feeling so crappy at work and since we are all therapists, I knew they’d sense something was up easily) and my husband has told a few close friends.  We’re still waiting till 12-14 weeks to really announce it publicly though and that will still be scary even then. The people we have told have just been beyond excited for us after all our heartache though and that does feel really nice to have their support. It was so hard to not have anyone know, as I felt so vulnerable and alone in all these feelings and needed to share with some females.  

Other thoughts are that I’m into really just trusting myself and intuition about what I need and what the embryo/soon to be fetus needs. I’m not into buying tons of pregnancy books, joining message boards, etc.  I mean, I’m sure there’s important information out there, and I’m sure I’ll have more questions along the way…but for now it feels better to only stick to the basics.  Rest when I’m tired, drink when I’m thirsty, emote when I need to, eat as healthy as my tummy will allow but don’t feel guilty for the occasional salt and vinegar chip (really helps the queasiness!), and let my husband do a lot of extra stuff around the house. So I feel good about that. 

I’ll check in every week or so…thanks for your comments of support. It is really miraculous, but I did (and do) have feelings of guilt too to be in this boat when I know others that would give anything to be pregnant.