Are you kidding me?

by anne1dove

I just started this blog. Literally less than two weeks ago.  If you haven’t looked at my first post with my entire infertility history, well, let’s just say I have had a heck of a time. I’ve had 4 surgeries for endo, I’ve had 3 operations on my cervix, I’ve been through 3 fresh IVF cycles and one frozen cycle.  I’ve gone to acupuncture for 2.5 years, changed my diet, my thoughts, my lifestyle. I’ve gone to hell and back.  And then I gave up. And now I’m pregnant.  Not even joking right now.  I am about 6.5 weeks along, the fetal pole has been seen, going back in a few days to hopefully see the heartbeat.  I am full of pregnancy symptoms already and feel like crap.  I JUST FOUND OUT A WEEK AGO.  I was that clueless.  After using a Clearblue Easy monitor for 2 years, following my cycle, knowing every hormonal shift in each cycle.  I was a regular 27-29 day cycle kind of gal.  When my period didn’t come when it was supposed to…did I immediately think I was pregnant? Nope. I continued my hormone creams (estriol and progesterone creams which I have since stopped) and thought wow, I really am going into perimenopause (my hormones and AMH levels have been low for some time) at age 34.   I had just started a blog for cripes’ sake, on embracing a childfree life. I was having fun, exercising again, drinking, even smoking cigarettes (ack!) and using spray paint for a project. I was most definitely not having sex around ovulation. We had sex 3 times in October (yeah I haven’t been feeling it much lately after all we’ve been through). And only once during a time that was even remotely close to when I’m guessing ovulation was.  So how the hell did this happen? I was given a 1-3% chance of this happening on it’s own, and that was 3 years ago when I was presumably more fertile. After four years, four IVF’s and no baby, I really had given up on ever having a biological child and I really was coming to terms with either being childfree or getting excited about using a donor egg.  Honestly, who knows….I still may embrace one of those.  It’s still so early and as an infertile, it’s really hard to be carefree and easy when I know the risk of miscarriage.  Somehow though, this feels so miraculous that I can’t help but feel hopeful.  

Now, all that being said…secretly or not so secretly, I’m already annoyed at the reaction I am getting, and will get I’m sure for years to come, about how I conceived. “You got in your own way!” “You just had to stop thinking about it!” UGH!!! Once an infertile, always an infertile.  It is a disease and my chances were ridiculously small. Did I stop thinking about it? Umm, no because I was writing a blog.  Did I stop feeling so upset about it, yes.  But I was still going to acupuncture, avoiding foods not good for my fertility, had 4 endo surgeries and 3 cervix surgeries, etc.  I don’t think it was any one thing…just a culmination of things.  Can I be humble enough to think that maybe there is some mystery to the universe I can’t conceive of (bad pun) and maybe this timing is perfect in some divine way? Perhaps. 

Now that I am pregnant, I feel thrust into a whole new world of uncertainty.  There are good things too, for sure, but wow…there are so many fears. And I know deep down that they will never truly abate, that being a good parent in some ways means being afraid for your child.  Not in a ax murderer kind of way, just in so many small ways. I’m also afraid of all the changes happening already and that are to come.  I can acknowledge and honor these fears while also embracing the excitement and joy. My husband and I’s relationship is already changing.  For 10 years now it has just been us. He’s been my baby and I is. I can’t help but look at his sweet face and feel like I’m abandoning him and he feels it too. Call me dramatic if you want! Friends that are parents tell me it will bring us closer, and I’m sure it will, like every other big life event we have travelled, but this is like introducing a third party into our relationship! I know we will always prioritize our relationship, but I also know the practical demands of a child can often supersede the best of intentions. 

In some way I do feel like every experience I’ve had in life has helped prepare me for the next one.  Being infertile and struggling so painfully for so long, and learning patience and acceptance has taught me that really there is no one road that is better.  I’m pregnant now, YAY, but there is also loss in that.  When I was not pregnant, there was loss in that, but also many YAYS.  I’m able to find some zen in my fears about miscarriage because I know that there’s nothing I can do…that I am not in control. Just like I wasn’t in control of my fertility.  Whatever happens, I know I find my way. 

If this pregnancy continues, I plan to continue this blog in the spirit that I started it. Motherhood won’t define me just like it didn’t before.  I wish everyone peace and strength in finding their happiness under challenging circumstances.